Salubrious

I don't like feeling guilty for not dispensing advice on diet and exercise. Especially since everyone is clearly interested in knowing my secrets. They are as follows:

I diet and I exercise.

If by "diet" it means I eat more Cheez-its than vegetables, and if by "exercise" it means I run in place while watching the Food Network. By now, you're thinking, "Well, that's too hard already!", but just remember:  Don't give up. Never lose hope. Keep trying. Believe in yourself. And turn that frown upside down.

This is all going in my book on health and beauty.

My basic philosophy on staying Cheez-it Fit (Chapter Two) is to burn as many calories a day as possible. (Ben hates my mantra, "Burn a calorie!") This can be accomplished by standing up when you feel like sitting down; Playing with your children when you feel like watching the Food Network; And cleaning the toilet when you feel like reading War and Peace. Just keep moving.

I am fortunate to live in a home with stairs, and I capitalize on this boon by taking them two at a time - on the run. But don't do this with a stack of laundry - it can result in injuries only athletes suffer. Luke takes the stairs on the run too, and he is strong as an ox - the cute, little fat kind.


The habit of running the stairs all day, however, spills over into public life. I now can't even enter municipal buildings without taking the stairs two at a time, which looks funny, but is (I believe) the reason I never feel the burn in my thighs after Zumba class. Either that or I'm doing it wrong. Meh.

The reason I don't eat regular food is that it takes a lot of calorie-burning activity to burn off calories (Chapter Three). Some things are not worth opening your mouth for if you have to spend an hour burning it off on the treadmill. Twinkies is my case in point - not even if they're fried in pancake batter. Fourteen chocolate chip cookies is a much better hole for a calorie-sink.

Additionally, I switched from Coke to diet Coke just before losing that last 800 pounds. It contains zero calories and is the perfect substitute for water (Chapter Four).

The Carsons are runners; the whole fam damily. But I find running to be a mental game not easily won - because once you start, you are not supposed to stop - even when you feel like vomiting and pooping. Which I almost did once while trying to run just one mile with Kit and Lisa. I tell Lisa, when she encourages me to take up "real" running, that my mind is not solid enough or disciplined enough to run for two hours straight, as she does. In fact, her daughter, Michelle, another seasoned runner, who has seen me "working out", describes it thusly, "Miss Stacey does the most random things for exercise." So, running is not for wimps. Don't take it up (Chapter Five).

I figure I need to stay with something I know I can do forever. Weight training at the gym, besides the ankle weights I wear to work every other day, is not something I'm going to keep up. Utilizing my little barbells in front of the t.v. at night is a practice I know I can maintain. Except for when I quit six months ago. But I 'm still a big believer in choosing a realistic regimen you can add to down the road, after you've established a pattern of success. It also needs to be a routine you can employ when you're out of town or on vacation or sick with cancer (Chapter Ten).

Allie jumps rope at night while catching up on the shows she taped during the day. She is slowly adding to the number of jumps, and makes sure to stay hydrated. And, honestly, if one eats as much pasta as Allie, she is going to have to jump for life. We also take frequent walks, even when we would rather stay in the house. We gossip and complain the whole way which makes walking fun and productive.

I've done a couple of Zumba classes with Darma, so I'm changing my mind a bit about exercising outside the home. It's sort of like going for coffee with the girls, only in sweaty spandex that create unattractive rolls.

Chapter Eleven is going to be about learning to enjoy salad, which is not a problem for me since I love salads - salads with homemade thousand island, three varieties of cheese, chicken tenders, and extra croutons and/or crackers. Also, eating a small handful of nuts keeps hunger at bay. Unless, of course, you eat so many nuts you develop some sort of allergy that causes you to almost poop yourself at work. I've heard.

In case you didn't notice, I skipped all the other chapters so the reader can fill in their own hopes, dreams, and ideas - not because I ran out of my own and junk.

So, that's my book - predictably cute in all the right places, and adopting a lecturing tone only when necessary to trick you into believing you are not a loser.